dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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