Umm I'm too high to move.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
