I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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