I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize