Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
