I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
