my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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