I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
