I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
