I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
