I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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