I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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