I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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