I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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