Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
