Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
