How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize