I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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