My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
