I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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