Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
As shirtless as possible
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
