Yo dont text me then not text me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
