i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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