You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
