i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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