i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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