When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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