You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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