I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just made out with a guy for $7.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
