last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
