my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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