alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
