I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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