If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
