if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
