THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
