I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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