Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
