just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize