It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
