is your mom at the bar?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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