I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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