Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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