Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
