Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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