I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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