Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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