how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize