you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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