my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
