I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
