Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
