I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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