apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
