Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
