im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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