I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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