She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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